It was as if I was a toddler hearing the word “no” for the first time. My fists clenched tight, my teeth clamped together and I wanted desperately to cover my ears and block out what I knew was coming.
Because I knew he would say there would be no baby this time around, and most likely never would be again.
My Doctor droned on about secondary infertility statistics and I wondered how I had not heard of this? It was a shock to me to experience infertility after having had one unplanned, uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy. So why was the doctor describing my next to impossible chances of getting pregnant again? Why was he so adamant in stealing the little bit of hope I desperately clutched tight to my chest?
I knew it was out of deep concern and care for his patient, because he watched as my hope soared and then plunged to depths I never knew existed, because of a few choice words he spoke to me. “Non-viable pregnancy;” “Ectopic Pregnancy”….again! “HCG levels decreasing rapidly.”
Seven times, this roller coaster. Seven times, hope for a baby and seven times our dreams crashed upon the rocky shores of real life.
So my doctor chose to speak the cold hard truth. The World’s truth. My chance at having another biological child was well beyond my reach, his reach, and that of modern day science. He urged me, pleaded with me, to give up!
But how does one give up when God has placed that something upon one’s heart? How does one give up when we know deep within our souls that God can do the impossible?
So we prayed. We let go of dreams for our family. We cried and we, at times, fought hard with God.
Then, we gave up! But not in the way the world would suggest.
We gave up our deepest desires and dreams, and placed them cautiously at the feet of Jesus.
And when we gave up, God showed up!
When we gave up, God stepped up!
When we gave up, God raised up!
God, in His infinite love and gentleness, led us slowly down another path. Sure, it held steeper hills than I thought I could climb, it held unmarked trails that I wasn’t sure I could navigate, but as we believed and placed one foot in front of the other, God revealed the next step, firm and solid, under our feet.
For our family, that next step was international adoption.
Over the next two years, we daily laid bare our souls at the feet of Jesus. Because giving up is not a one-time event, but a continual process of letting go.
So, when that paper trail got long and heavy with no end (or baby) in sight, we gave it up to Him.
When the adoption agency said no to our living overseas while trying to adopt, we gave it up to Him.
When we carried that little baby girl in to the embassy for a visa to our home in Italy and they said no, we gave it up to Him.
And it still amazes me that nine years later, this giving up is a daily discipline that doesn’t come easy. Because every time she walks out that door, I give her up to Him.
Every time she lets out a belly laugh, deep and loud, and she brings a wide smile to my face, I give up praise to Him.
Every time I look in my rear view mirror and see her sister, conceived a mere four months after bringing our daughter home; a sweet little one so unexpected, I imagine God laughing as I give up praise to Him.
And it is in these moments of giving up that we can see God’s hand mightily work in the details of our lives.
Because when we give up, God does indeed show up!!!