“So the last shall be first, and the first last, for many are called and few are chosen.” (Matthew 20:16, Young’s Literal Translation)
I’ve always wanted to be chosen.
I was usually chosen…chosen last.
When the class picked teams for PE in elementary school, being slow and uncoordinated prevented me from being top pick for dodge ball.
I was shy and quiet in school. This did not make me prime friend material, either. People just didn’t understand the awesomeness I was hiding behind my shy exterior.
And boys? Well, they liked the girls who flirted with them and talked a lot.
What I didn’t realize, like most young people, was that my self-worth wasn’t tied up in what others thought of me.
The need to be chosen and seen by those around me eventually led me into situations that now I wish had never happened.
I found myself being sexually promiscuous with boys in order to feel chosen and wanted. This left scars that ran deeper than I ever imagined.
Sexual sin plunges you into a world of lies, shame, and cover ups.
Eventually my self-esteem was worn down to the nub. At 16 my first serious boyfriend turned out to not be the person I thought he was. Once again my need to be wanted and chosen by someone blinded me to the point of almost getting myself killed during one of his violent rages.
It took me a long time to get to a place of not only forgiveness for myself, but also acceptance that God loves and forgives me too.
God has not only redeemed my purity but everything in my past.
He’s taken all the shame, guilt, and regret and has made it disappear.
I’m still awe-struck over a God that makes all things new (2 Corinthians 5:16-20). Who loves us at our worst and sees the best in us when we can’t see it in ourselves.
I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be right now if God hadn’t plucked me out of the pit I was in, brushed me off, and told me I was better than the way I’d been living.
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11, The Message)
He’s made me see that my quiet, thoughtful nature has a purpose after all. In a world that seems to always be shouting, we need the listeners. We need those who choose to sit with us over a cup of coffee and ask, “How are you, really?”
God has given me the ability to accept myself the way He created me to be. Because I’ve been redeemed, I can now allow Him to take my past hurt and turn it into something beautiful: a story that I can write about and share with other young girls and women to remind them they are already loved and accepted, if they choose to believe it.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…
My hope and security no longer come from being picked first, last, or not at all. It also doesn’t come in the opinions of others. My hope comes from God alone.
Finally, with a God-confident heart, I can say I am:
My soul breathes relief, at last.
What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Do you believe that your past has been covered in the blood of Jesus?
Alecia Simersky is a Southerner by birth (and grace) and gypsy by marriage (she’s moved eight times in the last 13 years). She writes to encourage Christians to live differently because of the grace we’ve been shown through Jesus. She is also contributing Writer/Editor/Social Media Manager for God-sized Dreams. She will share her heart, story, struggles, and her pain — just don’t ask her to share her chocolate! You can connect with her at her blog, Alecia Simersky, Twitter, or Facebook.