By Kate Hamlet
God gave me a breakthrough tonight. I hesitate to share this with you, because it’s such a deep personal wound I struggle with. However, God has made it clear to me, that he is using my story to help others with a broken past find healing and a new, hopeful future. I have a feeling that what I was struggling with tonight is something a lot of people who’ve lived a life away from God’s path struggle with. God has brought me so far from where I was. When I think of how I lived for most of my twenties and how I live now, I am amazed at how differently my mind works. I am stunned at how different my desires and hopes are. It’s as though Kate of the past is literally a different person.
BUT, while I see how much God has done in my life, and how beautiful that is, every once in a while I feel overwhelmed with the weight of my bad choices. Every once in a while the devil sweeps through and ruins my day. I see his lies as truth again and he convinces me I am nothing but an empty vessel that God is using out of pity but that deep down I am still a filthy, unloveable, broken, ugly person. When he gets to me, like he did tonight, I am crushed by the feeling of defeat, hopelessness and self-hatred. Tonight, it took one criticism from my husband to send me into a tailspin.
While I sobbed in my room I cried out to God. (A VASTLY DIFFERENT REACTION THAN IN MY “PAST” LIFE.) Our conversation went something like this:
“I know you’ve chosen me, God, but I can’t see why. I can’t see why you love me, or why Andrew does. I can’t see a thing about myself that isn’t broken. I want to see something good in myself but you say that none of us are righteous. If I try to find traits to love about myself I feel myself walking the line of pride and vanity. I was too rooted in those sins before and I am terrified to get close to them again. I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t see anything there to love that isn’t ALL you and nothing of me.”
After a moment, this is what I heard:
If you can’t find anything to love about yourself, and you’re afraid to even try, look instead for the traits you and God do well together. He’s changed everything, and He’s using you for certain things for a reason. There are things about you that are especially unique that He can use for His glory. It’s like you are an instrument designed for one purpose. Only He can make the music but He is using you as an instrument for a specific song. Think about those things….
So here are mine. These are all things that were very broken or unused traits before I gave my life back to him. I challenge you to think of the traits you and He have together too.
God and I are good at having empathy for others and their situations.
God and I are good at serving others with great joy!
God and I are good at finding hope in places where it’s hard to find.
God and I are good at being content, at resting with joy in my current situation.
God and I are good at playing with, being silly with, and teaching my children.
God and I are good at sharing the gospel of grace with others who have been broken.
God and I are good at having faith without proof.
God and I are good at talking to each other. (We talk all day….my kids think I talk to myself wink emoticon )
God and I are good at making others feel loved and special.
God and I are good at loving God and worshipping him. (Yes, He helps me even with this!)
God and I are good at being creative and artistic.
Kate Hamlet is a stay-at-home mother of four and lives in Grand Rapids with her children and husband. She is very passionate about helping women find hope after bad choices. She enjoys writing and designing jewelry. To follow her posts and to purchase her jewelry follow her on Facebook at Kate Hamlet – Author/Artist or on Instagram at MareVistaDesign.